(Possible TW) Vent

I went to my moms on Saturday and she sorta yelled at me for saying how I should've called and stuff and I had to hold in my tears. My mom KNOWS that Being yelled at is a Trigger, so I cried silently in my room until she left. When she left I went into the bathroom locked the door and had a mental breakdown and started saying how "Im so weak, I always cry every week." I founded a sharp comb and started to use it like a kn!fe to c*t myself, it left some marks, but they went away. When I left the bathroom, I looked at all of my thumbtacks and grabbed one and used it until I broke the first layers of skin and then I did it again. It looks like my cat scratched me and the c*ts were tiny. That night I had a nightmare about my Lover leaving me and I couldn't really go back to sleep after that. On Monday, my Lover; Kiwi spent the night at my dads, we had a amazing time, but when they left, I was staying up listening to music and Melanie Martinez's song "Recess" came on and I slightly teared up, because it shows that most people would pretend to love me and only want me for unspeakable things even though I am Enby AKA Genderless. After Recess was over, I felt pretty depressed and when Taylor Swift's song "White Horse" came on I had a depressed episode and the song reminded me off my ex girlfriend and what she did to make me leave her, and I started crying at the first few words of the song. I grabbed the thumbtack I brought with me to my dads and started writing in my skin; Sl*t, Wh0r3, H03, and K!LL ME. I made it to where I didn't break skin. I sorta reminded myself is she wanted us to stay together, she wouldn't have done what she did. Plus our relationship was toxic. Anyways while writing this, might as well say what she did. So, she said she had something for me to throw away and wouldn't tell me so I poked until she told me. She said it was a knife that she used on herself. I had a anxiety attack AND Mental Breakdown at the exact same time and didn't stop shaking for a hour. I was crying in the halls. She came over to try to talk to me, but I said "No, I don't wanna talk to her!" So my dad asked me what happened and I broke down in front of him explaining everything. The next day I wasn't doing good, I got up and snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a butter knife and took it in my room and c*t myself and even brought the knife to school so I could k!ll myself, I felt like I failed her, so I thought it would be best if I was gone. My dad ended up finding out, talked to me about it and told my mom and step-mom and called a few places to get me help. I talked with the school counselor, because my dad called and told her what happened and I bawled and explained everything and when I got home, my mom came over and me, my step, my mom, and my dad had a talk, my 17 year old step sister was there, so she knows, but she didn't say anything until after, she hugged me, during the talk I cried again and cried myself to sleep that night. The next day was the day she was able to come back to school, I was walking to the doors and I saw her and she stopped and looked at me, like she was waiting, but I just ran away with tears in my eyes. On Friday I went to my doctor who knows everything that happened and she said I have depression. On Monday I c*t again and on Tuesday I also c*t again, tallying up in a total 21 c*ts. I was already doing bad before everything happened, I stopped eating and gained a eating disorder two weeks before this all happened. My dad found out I c*t again. On Wednesday, my friend Sebastian joked and said that him and her were dating, while we were still dating and I wasn't mentally stable for those jokes and I didn't know if they were joking and started crying in 2nd hour and she tried to talk to me about it and I ran away and after 3rd, she still tried and I yelled at her to leave me the fxck alone. Im not even allowed around her. She kept saying that I was just mad and would go back to her when I already moved on. I don't regret breaking up with her to this day AKA 2 months later. I just pretty much looked like this the entire night

Im doing a lil better now tho